Thoughts on Mother's Day

Originally Posted: May 16, 2013

As a woman dealing daily with infertility, Mother's Day hasn't really been a fun concept for me for the past several years.(Probably explains why it's taken me almost a week to write this post!) In fact, it's a day I usually avoid and jokingly call "Infertility Awareness Day" because there's not really another day in the year that I'm more aware of the fact that I'm not a mother. Don't get me wrong. I have an amazing mother and it is my joy and privilege to be able to honor her on Mother's day. We also wish that J's mom was closer so we could do more than just send a card, a gift and a phone call her way. Both of these strong, independent, wonderful women are blessings in our lives! That said, this Mother's Day was different for me. It was still hard in some ways, but a different hard. This year I was woken up to a sweet surprise [pictured above] and then went to church (something I normally never do on Mother's Day) and this year Mom and I sang in the service together. Even though I have never held my daughter, I feel like her mommy. I don't know what her favorite color is or what her first word was. I don't know what toys she likes to play with or if she has a favorite food. There is so much we don't know about her yet. I do know that she is loved. We know that we are her parents even before we have held her. We know that we are working everyday to bring her home. 

Which brings me to my second train of thought....I'm still no good at waiting, but God is tempering my impatience with a lot of house cleaning and some very healthy plants. We know that our homestudy is in the final stages of editing. We are waiting for our approval and for the study to be finalized and sent to our agency, then we can be officially matched with our baby girl. Everything looks really positive at the moment and we can't wait to be able to announce when these things happen. Still, in the back of my mind, the what-ifs like to run amok. I find myself running a constant mantra of "God's got this". He's led our step during every minute detail of this process. Worries are natural, but they don't need to rule my every day. Until we have official confirmation, I will just have to continue to be patient(ish). The picture God is painting here is so much bigger and brighter than I can imagine and that is my focus for tonight.