To Our Dear Family and Friends:
We are so excited to finally be on the last leg of this journey to our daughter! The love and support you have all shown us has been overwhelmingly amazing. We have felt every prayer and have loved every call, comment, post, text, etc.
Once we are home, we will not go out and see anyone for about a month or maybe more. In the adoption world, this is called "cocooning". It's a pretty common part of the transition process for any adopted child. The idea behind it is that all three of us are learning to become a family and in order to do that we need to make our daughter's world as simple as possible for a little while. We know that you all are very excited to meet her and we will be thrilled for you to meet her and love on her. When she is ready.
There are a few things that we want to let you know about that will help Cora Lakshmi as she transitions to being part of a forever family:
Cora Lakshmi is totally squishable and adorable, but please do not touch her or pick her up:
I know that makes us sound like meany parents, however there are some very good reasons for this. First, Cora Lakshmi has led a life so far that has included many caregivers. These wonderful people have walked in and out of her life since she was very small. The temporary nature of these caregivers has taught Cora Lakshmi that the people who pick her up and love on her are inconsistent and could leave at any time. It is really important for Jason and I to be the only ones who hold Cora Lakshmi for now (Yes, this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). The idea is that we are building the message in Cora Lakshmi that the days of temporary caregivers are over. She has a Mommy and Daddy now who will not go off shift or find a new job. By allowing us to be the only people who hold and care for Cora Lakshmi, you will be helping her so much in her journey to learn what family means.
The second, very important reason for this is that Cora Lakshmi is blind with no light perception. She does not get any visual information at all. So touch is a vital part of CL's world. Because of that, Jason and I are going to be hyper aware of Cora Lakshmi's personal space and allowing CL to tell us who she is comfortable having in that personal space. Please don't be offended if she doesn't feel comfortable hugging you, or even saying hello. She is learning to be part of a new family and a new culture.
Please don't feed our daughter:
This pretty much falls under the same concept as above. For an orphan.....Food = Love. During our cocooning time and possibly for long after, Jason and I need to be the ones who give food and drinks to Cora Lakshmi. This reinforces the message that we are the people loving and caring for her now. With consistency and time, this message will sink in. We need you to help us maintain that consistency by refraining from feeding our daughter. We understand that you all have waited a long time for her to be home, too. And we get it that, especially in the south, giving someone food is a way to say that we care about that person. If you have something that you just absolutely want Cora Lakshmi to have, please give it to either Jason or me first. We will pass on the gift and the message that she is loved.
In the same way, Cora Lakshmi needs to know that we comfort her and help her when she gets hurt, so always direct her back to Jason or me for any needs that need to be met.
How to give gifts. Consider meals or desserts that all of our family can enjoy. We don't want our girl to grow an expectation of getting gifts every time somebody new walks in the door. If you really want to give her new toys or new clothes, we can collect the gifts from you on the down-low and slowly introduce them to Cora Lakshmi when we feel it's appropriate. We truly appreciate your kindness!
Remember that little ears are always open. Please think about the things you say and ask around our daughter. Y'all know that we are passionate about adoption and we are more than willing to tell you all about it. However, conversations about Cora Lakshmi's past aren't really appropriate, especially in front of our daughter. I have a very bad habit of letting words just fly out of my mouth and I have asked curious questions to adoptive families before without realizing the answers I was seeking might be private to the family. Cora Lakshmi's mother passed away and that is the extent of what we will share. The rest of the details are hers to share or keep as she chooses. Also, there may be times where talking about the adoption in general in front of our daughter is just not a great idea. We will let you know when that's the case. We encourage you all to ask questions if you have them. Don't be scared. We promise we won't jump down your throat if you use the wrong word or something. We just ask that you consider how your words could effect our daughter before you let them go. Thank you for respecting our baby in this way.
Help our daughter feel comfortable in her skin. Obviously, Cora Lakshmi is NOT going to look like us. We would really appreciate it if folks don't make comments (as innocent as they may be) about her skin tone or anything that would make her feel more different than she already does. Also, if you haven't already, talk to your children about transracial adoption. Explain how families can look different in many ways.
Please, allow your children to ask questions about Cora Lakshmi's eyes.
This sounds like I'm contradicting myself from what I said above. There is a difference between a curious question from a child and an unthinking, though well-meaning, question from an adult. We are aware and Cora Lakshmi will be aware that her eyes do look very different than most people's. Scar tissue makes her eye color to either appear light blue or milky white. Most kids are not used to seeing this and being kids will most likely blurt out what seems to us to be a rude question. Please allow Jason or me or Cora Lakshmi to give your child an answer. Shushing your child or yanking them away without allowing us to answer, sends our girl the message that maybe there really is something wrong with her. That's not a message we want our daughter to build into her personal identity. I promise we can answer your child's question in a way that validates both your child's curiosity and our child's identity.
Please, introduce yourself every time you speak to our daughter.
After we have exited the cocooning phase and have rejoined everyday life, please come and say hello and interact with our daughter! This point is not really about adoption, but more from a blindness culture perspective. Cora Lakshmi is totally blind and will rely heavily on her other senses when interacting with other people. Voices without visual context can be very difficult to identify. So, every time you greet our daughter, please tell her who she is interacting with. A simple "Hi, Cora Lakshmi! This is........." will work beautifully. Also, when you are leaving the conversation, please let Cora Lakshmi know that you are going rather than just walking away. That way she is not trying to interact with you long after you have left.
And finally....Answering a Frequently Asked Question....
Can we meet you at the airport?
The answer is YES! Absolutely! We would love to have you there! Details regarding dates and times will be posted before we come home and in a more secure location. Not publicly on the blog. Please understand, too, that we will likely be pretty tired. We will do our best to greet you all, but we may not hang out long. Your presence, though, will be an amazing blessing and a source of support as we step into our new life.
If you want more information about how to support us and other adoptive families:
Please read this blog post from another adoptive mom: Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family
It has tons of great information and I really appreciate her perspective.
Please continue to pray for us! Pray that the rest of the trip goes smoothly. Pray for our daughter's transition. Pray for our transition into parenthood.
We are so thankful for each one of you and cherish the love and support you have given and continue to give to us.
Sincerely,
Dani and Jason
We are so excited to finally be on the last leg of this journey to our daughter! The love and support you have all shown us has been overwhelmingly amazing. We have felt every prayer and have loved every call, comment, post, text, etc.
Once we are home, we will not go out and see anyone for about a month or maybe more. In the adoption world, this is called "cocooning". It's a pretty common part of the transition process for any adopted child. The idea behind it is that all three of us are learning to become a family and in order to do that we need to make our daughter's world as simple as possible for a little while. We know that you all are very excited to meet her and we will be thrilled for you to meet her and love on her. When she is ready.
There are a few things that we want to let you know about that will help Cora Lakshmi as she transitions to being part of a forever family:
Cora Lakshmi is totally squishable and adorable, but please do not touch her or pick her up:
I know that makes us sound like meany parents, however there are some very good reasons for this. First, Cora Lakshmi has led a life so far that has included many caregivers. These wonderful people have walked in and out of her life since she was very small. The temporary nature of these caregivers has taught Cora Lakshmi that the people who pick her up and love on her are inconsistent and could leave at any time. It is really important for Jason and I to be the only ones who hold Cora Lakshmi for now (Yes, this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). The idea is that we are building the message in Cora Lakshmi that the days of temporary caregivers are over. She has a Mommy and Daddy now who will not go off shift or find a new job. By allowing us to be the only people who hold and care for Cora Lakshmi, you will be helping her so much in her journey to learn what family means.
The second, very important reason for this is that Cora Lakshmi is blind with no light perception. She does not get any visual information at all. So touch is a vital part of CL's world. Because of that, Jason and I are going to be hyper aware of Cora Lakshmi's personal space and allowing CL to tell us who she is comfortable having in that personal space. Please don't be offended if she doesn't feel comfortable hugging you, or even saying hello. She is learning to be part of a new family and a new culture.
Please don't feed our daughter:
This pretty much falls under the same concept as above. For an orphan.....Food = Love. During our cocooning time and possibly for long after, Jason and I need to be the ones who give food and drinks to Cora Lakshmi. This reinforces the message that we are the people loving and caring for her now. With consistency and time, this message will sink in. We need you to help us maintain that consistency by refraining from feeding our daughter. We understand that you all have waited a long time for her to be home, too. And we get it that, especially in the south, giving someone food is a way to say that we care about that person. If you have something that you just absolutely want Cora Lakshmi to have, please give it to either Jason or me first. We will pass on the gift and the message that she is loved.
In the same way, Cora Lakshmi needs to know that we comfort her and help her when she gets hurt, so always direct her back to Jason or me for any needs that need to be met.
How to give gifts. Consider meals or desserts that all of our family can enjoy. We don't want our girl to grow an expectation of getting gifts every time somebody new walks in the door. If you really want to give her new toys or new clothes, we can collect the gifts from you on the down-low and slowly introduce them to Cora Lakshmi when we feel it's appropriate. We truly appreciate your kindness!
Remember that little ears are always open. Please think about the things you say and ask around our daughter. Y'all know that we are passionate about adoption and we are more than willing to tell you all about it. However, conversations about Cora Lakshmi's past aren't really appropriate, especially in front of our daughter. I have a very bad habit of letting words just fly out of my mouth and I have asked curious questions to adoptive families before without realizing the answers I was seeking might be private to the family. Cora Lakshmi's mother passed away and that is the extent of what we will share. The rest of the details are hers to share or keep as she chooses. Also, there may be times where talking about the adoption in general in front of our daughter is just not a great idea. We will let you know when that's the case. We encourage you all to ask questions if you have them. Don't be scared. We promise we won't jump down your throat if you use the wrong word or something. We just ask that you consider how your words could effect our daughter before you let them go. Thank you for respecting our baby in this way.
Help our daughter feel comfortable in her skin. Obviously, Cora Lakshmi is NOT going to look like us. We would really appreciate it if folks don't make comments (as innocent as they may be) about her skin tone or anything that would make her feel more different than she already does. Also, if you haven't already, talk to your children about transracial adoption. Explain how families can look different in many ways.
Please, allow your children to ask questions about Cora Lakshmi's eyes.
This sounds like I'm contradicting myself from what I said above. There is a difference between a curious question from a child and an unthinking, though well-meaning, question from an adult. We are aware and Cora Lakshmi will be aware that her eyes do look very different than most people's. Scar tissue makes her eye color to either appear light blue or milky white. Most kids are not used to seeing this and being kids will most likely blurt out what seems to us to be a rude question. Please allow Jason or me or Cora Lakshmi to give your child an answer. Shushing your child or yanking them away without allowing us to answer, sends our girl the message that maybe there really is something wrong with her. That's not a message we want our daughter to build into her personal identity. I promise we can answer your child's question in a way that validates both your child's curiosity and our child's identity.
Please, introduce yourself every time you speak to our daughter.
After we have exited the cocooning phase and have rejoined everyday life, please come and say hello and interact with our daughter! This point is not really about adoption, but more from a blindness culture perspective. Cora Lakshmi is totally blind and will rely heavily on her other senses when interacting with other people. Voices without visual context can be very difficult to identify. So, every time you greet our daughter, please tell her who she is interacting with. A simple "Hi, Cora Lakshmi! This is........." will work beautifully. Also, when you are leaving the conversation, please let Cora Lakshmi know that you are going rather than just walking away. That way she is not trying to interact with you long after you have left.
And finally....Answering a Frequently Asked Question....
Can we meet you at the airport?
The answer is YES! Absolutely! We would love to have you there! Details regarding dates and times will be posted before we come home and in a more secure location. Not publicly on the blog. Please understand, too, that we will likely be pretty tired. We will do our best to greet you all, but we may not hang out long. Your presence, though, will be an amazing blessing and a source of support as we step into our new life.
If you want more information about how to support us and other adoptive families:
Please read this blog post from another adoptive mom: Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family
It has tons of great information and I really appreciate her perspective.
Please continue to pray for us! Pray that the rest of the trip goes smoothly. Pray for our daughter's transition. Pray for our transition into parenthood.
We are so thankful for each one of you and cherish the love and support you have given and continue to give to us.
Sincerely,
Dani and Jason
Hey. It's Vicki -- Marlene and Donna's friend. Congrats on making it to your little darling. I know you will be thrilled to settle in and begin life. Yay.
ReplyDeleteVicki
www.waiting4emily.blogspot.com