And so began the last stretch of our trip.
We woke up and had a message to call the duty manager of
the hotel. Jason spoke with her and told me to put things back in the suitcases
because we were going to be switching rooms. An hour or so later, porters
arrived and escorted us to the elevator. When the doors opened, I knew it had
to be a mistake. The lettering behind a big marble desk said "Taj Club
Level". I panicked. I had Jason tell me several times exactly what the
duty manager said about the room. She said she was providing us with an upgrade
at no extra cost. She told Jason that she wanted Cora Lakshmi to have open
spaces to maneuver and she instructed that all furniture be against the walls
of this very spacious room. The kindness of strangers astounds me! This woman
who had never met us saw through barriers of culture, experience, and language
to give us an extraordinary gift.
The room was huge! It was not a suite with multiple
rooms, but the main space was bigger than our living room at home! There was a
desk, a couch, a ginormous bed, a huge window overlooking Delhi, a full walk-in
closet, and a huge bathroom with a shower and a tub!
A few minutes after we were in the room, the doorbell
rang and we were introduced to our butler (!!!) who would be taking care of our
needs for the rest of the stay!! I checked with Jason again because there is no
way in you-know-where that we could afford anything that involved a butler! Not
for 9 nights! Then I relaxed because again our needs had been met before we
even knew what they were. Comfort in our hotel room was not a luxury I was
worried about but it made those days in Delhi so much easier although they are
still some of the most difficult days I have experienced.
I’ve struggled a lot with deciding how much to share
about the hard parts of this trip. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I have
always been honest on here. Not just about the joys, but about the heartaches
as well. Adoption is beautiful and emotional. Redeeming and raw. It is full of
joy, but the entire journey starts in trauma, loss, and pain. I can’t forget
the essential foundation of my daughter’s journey or I devalue her story. So
with an honest intent to protect my daughter’s heart in the future, I will
share some of the toughest moments.
By the time we got back to Delhi it was becoming clearer
to me that my daughter’s grief and upset were being triggered by me. When I
held her. When I touched her. She was scared and pushed me away. If I was close
to her, she became upset. The opposite was true with her Daddy and I am so
thankful for that.
Keeping with my promise to be honest, I had a hard time
processing this. I knew I loved this little girl. I had loved her for years in
pictures and videos. In the moments that I sat in the closet of our hotel room
with feelings running down my face, I reminded myself that to my daughter I was
a stranger. All she knew was that I was not Amma. She didn’t have the connection
to me that I felt to her. And I didn’t expect her to. Cora Lakshmi’s reaction
to the situation was very healthy and I’m so glad that she processed everything
she was feeling right then and there.
Our adoption Caseworker was an incredible support to me
during this time. She encouraged me to be the one taking care of all of Cora
Lakshmi’s basic needs. So I changed diapers, fed her, bathed her, took care of
her skin, dressed her, and put her to bed. As much as she would tolerate and
often while Daddy was holding her. I had also reached out to a friend who spoke
the same combination of languages as CL for some translation. Through the
videos I sent and the translation of what CL was saying, she was able to piece
together the picture that was my daily struggle and she understood. She knew
exactly what I needed as a mom and checked in with me several times each day!
She gave me the amazing tip that Indian babies like to be fed by hand. Bam!
That advice was like magic. Although it still took several days, that was the
point that my relationship with CL really started to blossom.
The tipping point happened one morning when Daddy needed and
richly deserved a break. He went into the bathroom and locked the door and sat
by himself for a little while. At first, CL wailed at the door and would not
let me comfort her. Eventually she sat down and started entertaining herself
with a bowl and a spoon. Every time I would get close to her, she would move
away so I sat on the floor across the room from her. CL began to tap and clap
patterns: “tap-a tap-a tap-a”. I started to repeat her patterns and she would
change them! I kept repeating whatever pattern she did and eventually I must
have correctly done one that CL deemed hard because she exclaimed, “Good job,
Mommy!” And then my daughter was in my lap! She laughed and we snuggled and
giggled and played! Daddy was so excited, he hid in the bathroom a little
longer and snuck a few pictures!
From that point on our relationship has just gotten
stronger!
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