Anticipation

Painting in Cora's room done by Cora's Golly (my mom)!

Last week, on this day before our hearing, I was a nervous wreck. Almost paralyzed by the anticipation and the questions that flooded my mind…Would we get a good judge?....Would the judge favor adoption?...Would our case even be heard? I had no way of knowing the answers to any of these, but I couldn't help but dwell on them anyway. I used the online court tracking system to find out where our case fell on the judge’s docket. I nearly screamed because the link to the website that would give me that one small answer was broken! No matter how many times I refreshed it, it stayed down. I spent most of the day frustrated and anxious. We had waited so long just to get to this point that I was sure something was going to happen that would derail us once again.

I’m not proud of that. There are so many better ways I could have spent that day. So many things I could have done that are way more productive than worry. I chose to give into the fear that is always just around the corner in this process. Sometimes that fear and worry is completely unfounded and other times, it comes true. 

Tonight, my thoughts keep going back to our Cora. I'm wondering how she is feeling today as she is taken to the court. Is she scared? Excited? Confused? I wish we could be there to hold her and reassure her. I take a lot of comfort that the people who are with our girl today are the same people who have loved her so much and so well since the day she was placed in their care. Our girl is surrounded by so many people who care for her. 

So for tonight, I go to sleep with the hopes of clearing court and holding my daughter very soon!